Crazy John’s Resource Sale

Welcome to Crazy John’s Resource Sale and Love-In. See George rub Middle-Eastern oil on John’s naked skin. Hear George say, “Like me, Johnny loves to come from behind.”
Everybody loves Australia. We are the biggest mine on the planet and we’re having a sale! Everything must go! Steel, nickel, copper – out they go at bargain prices! Have we got a deal for you! Your company can make billions! (Poisoned water? Who cares!) But wait, there’s more… Not enough CO2 in your atmosphere? Climate too predictable for you? Try our coal. We got all types – brown coal, black coal, dirty coal, and new from our marketing gurus – clean coal! Yes folks, clean coal. And you thought there was no such thing… We got tonnes of the stuff. Solid carbon just waiting to be dug up and burned by countries around the globe. And we’re just warming up! Are you a weak, developing country? Well, get some carbon in ya, mate! (Renewables are for poofs.)
 
But wait, there’s more! How about uranium? We got more uranium than you can handle! Radioactive for a quarter of a million years – now that’s value plus! More dangerous than coal; more polluting than a pulp mill – every unstable powermonger wants some and out the door it must go! Use it to generate inefficient power! Make radioactive bullets! Create cancers in the kiddies! Destroy ecosystems – not just temporarily, but forever! Bomb stuff! (And it stays bombed.) Everyone’s invited to Crazy John’s Auction Australia.
Democracies, failing states, totalitarian regimes, thugs and mugs – all welcome! Make shareholders rich! Genetically alter populations you don’t like! Remember the Balkans? Buggered. Iraq? Buggered. Bugger them all! Three legs are better than two! Tumours are better than three! And what would the people of Australia expect to get from all this? Security? Prosperity? A better life for future generations? No! They get dirty air, radioactive water and bloody great holes in the ground!
 
It’s spring madness here at Crazy John’s! Rich pigs will get richer! Power freaks can kill things! Does it get any better than that? Morality – out it goes! Planetary responsibility – gone! Concern for the people – don’t make us laugh! The future – what’s that?
 
But wait, there’s even more! (How do we do it?) What about woodchip? We got forests enough to last for years! Old growth, regrowth, plantation – we got it all. And when the forests are gone… we can mine! It’s win-win in Australia’s Sale of the Century! Australia: If we got it, it’s yours. All we ask is that you don’t sell uranium to Iran. Promise? Really truly? Cross your heart?… Okay!! You can have as much Aussie uranium as your mafia can buy! Hooray! (Oops. Did I say mafia? I meant government. But who cares? It’s the same thing!!) But seriously folks. Ahem. Consider the environment. We’d like to know that you’re tending towards agreeing in principle to a non-binding, unstated, aspirational target. Okay? (No, we don’t know what it means either. Nothing, I guess. Just agree…) You do! Great! Have a free Driza-Bone. In case it rains. Ever again.
(by S Sorrensen, taken from the Northern Rivers Echo – Oct 5)

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